This will come as a shock to basically no one.  But in the last several months, I’ve participated in an online community with a number of other ladies who have been trying to conceive for a long time and/or are trying to conceive after a loss.   It really helped me get through the last several cycles in a number of ways.   These forums are FULL of acronyms and initialisms that pertain to the whole process of making a baby.  So far on this blog, I’ve done my best to avoid these things because I imagine most people probably wouldn’t get it.  It has taken some effort–I feel like I’m being so wordy actually spelling everything out because it has become such a habit to shorten everything.  Anyway, one of the most important ones to know is “BFP.”  That is, BIG FAT POSITIVE.  Like on a hpt (home pregnancy test). 

The story of my BFP is a little unusual (for me?) this time.  My last two pregnancies, I got my BFP on 12 dpo (days past ovulation).  Well, I can be certain of that with my first pregnancy.  My last pregnancy, I hadn’t started charting yet, but best I can determine that’s about right.  I certainly hadn’t missed my period yet.  I got these positive tests on “ICs.”   Internet Cheapies.   I’ve heard the comparison, pregnancy tests are like soda: they can cost pennies to make, but the markup on them is crazy.  With S, I was also using dollar store tests, and those were good too.  But since I could use an IC without having to drag myself out to Dollar Tree (I really have nothing else I must buy there), I used ICs pretty much exclusively for many, many months.  To my knowledge, they have never steered me wrong.

Until this time.  I tested with an IC (same brand as before) on 11 dpo (early but not impossible): BFN (did you guess it? Big Fat Negative).  Then tested again on 13 dpo–one day later than my previous BFPs.  Another BFN (I kept checking to be sure).  I was sure I was out.  I told Pete this cycle was another bust.

HPTs are rapid assay diagnostics.  Meaning the results…they are rapid.  Every hpt I’ve ever used had a time limit of 10 minutes on it.  Some tests you’re supposed to be able to have a result by 3 minutes, but after the 10 minute mark, anything you see besides the control line is just some kind of chemical change in the test and NOT to be trusted.  The instructions will warn you not to look at tests too late.  Even so, I basically always go back and pull my tests out of the trash to look at them later.  Every time, it has remained stark white negative.  This time, when I checked it about…I don’t remember for sure…7 hours later?  There was a definite line.  Not a shadow.  It had color.  But it for sure turned up after the time limit, so it had to be considered an “evaporation line.”

Here’s a picture of what it looked like at about the 12 hour mark, but it’s hard to see.  It was difficult to photograph.  And it was somewhat faint but definitely there.  For me even when I look at it now, it’s different depending on what screen I’m on (laptop or phone), how the screen is angled, etc.  But you’ll just have to trust me that I didn’t have to squint to see it.

My brain said evap evap evap.  I mean, the line showed up after the time limit, so by definition it’s an evap.  But part of me thought this was very interesting at the least.  I posted it in a couple of threads on my online group, and most of the comments were like…you’re sure that’s an evap?  Of course I did get some comments too from people who have gotten evaps like that that did NOT turn into a BFP.  I knew this.  I knew it was likely even.  But I still had this nagging feeling that maybe I am pregnant.

The next day was a Monday.  I was off work, but the weather was pretty gross and cold, and I didn’t want to go out.  Even though I was out of tests.  I was just going to wait until Tuesday when I was going to have to get out anyway.  Plus my period was due either Monday or Tuesday, so maybe I’d have a clear answer before I wasted money on a test anyway.  But I had some symptoms and I was finding it very hard to wait.

It’s strange to say I had symptoms because really.  When you’re paying extra close attention to your body every month, anytime ANYthing is different, you start to think maybe?????  But then you’re not pregnant, none of those seemingly weird and different things meant anything, and the cycle repeats.  So I thought I had symptoms, maybe.  Do I still need to warn you that some of this may be TMI?  Anyway, here they are. As they were, anyway.  Most of these have changed.

• Sore boobs. It’s not unusual for me to get sore nipples after ovulation, but IF that happens, it seems to be right after ovulation, then it fades as it gets late in my LP (luteal phase).  This time was deeper in the boob behind my nipples, and it started later in my LP than usual.  Then I started getting some tender side boob too.
• I was having weird dreams in the 3-4 nights before my BFP.  I usually have no recollection of dreaming when I wake up in the morning.
• I made a bland lunch for myself on the day of my BFP (this was before I tested), and I couldn’t make myself finish eating it.
• Occasional weird twinges low in my abdomen.
• Weird CM (cervical mucus).  Not sure how else to describe it.  But it’s usually different before my period.
• And then that weird evaporation line which I was trying not to think too much about.

While S was napping, and I more or less made up my mind that I was going to buy a test after all, I stopped the fluid intake because I’d been drinking tea or juice all day.

After S woke up from her nap (she miraculously took one that day, even though she was home with me), we made the <1 mile trek to Walmart.  I bought a FRER (First Response Early Result) 3-pack and I was kind of excited because I had never used a name-brand hpt before.  I bought some other random crap while I was there too just because apparently I’m juvenile and I can’t go to the store JUST to buy a hpt (or any other feminine product for that matter).

Then we got home.  I knew I didn’t have the patience to wait to do it.  To me, these were the really fancy tests because you could actually pee ON them.  My ICs you have to pee in a cup and then dip it.  But I went ahead and peed in a cup anyway because it was only a one-hour hold by the time I stopped drinking stuff and I was expecting it to be too dilute.  It didn’t look too dilute.  Plus it was a 3-pack, so I could try again in the morning maybe.  So I dipped the test.  This one was a 3-minute test, so I left the room at set a timer.  Part of me thought I was nuts.  But I thought at least I could get this over with and maybe put the whole thing to rest so I could actually start thinking about something else.  Anything else.

S was demanding my attention when the timer went off.  But I didn’t want to look at it too late.  It was probably like 3 and a half minutes when I made it to the bathroom but those extra 30 seconds felt like a long time.  Sometimes when I’m about to look at a test, it’s like I’m mentally preparing myself for whatever outcome.  Not consciously, but it seems those times were different.  This time I just ran into the bathroom and looked at it.  I thought maybe if I was lucky, I’d see a faint line.  But my test WAS negative just yesterday.  But no, no faint line.  I saw this:

Doesn’t really get any clearer than that.  I was shocked given my BFN the day before and the fact that it wasn’t even FMU (first morning urine)…I didn’t even hold it for long.

Many, many months, I’d imagine what I’d do if I ever saw another positive pregnancy test.  (I actually hated it because my imagination can get a little carried away.  Then it stings that much more when it’s negative.  But I couldn’t stop it.)  Would I cry?  Sometimes I’d cry just thinking about it.  But no, I did not cry.  I was shocked.  Shocked.  Somehow I got from the bathroom to “my” chair in the living room.  Did I float there?  Did I teleport there?  I don’t even remember.  Then I sat there in shock with my hand on my face.  Then I sat there in shock with my hand on my face, grinning like an idiot (I’m pretty sure).

Then I did the most rational thing anyone does with sensitive information.  I told my three year-old.  Hahahaha.  Oh, I was going to tell her anyway.  And I wanted her help sharing the news.  I told her to tell Daddy, when he got home, that there’s a new baby in Mommy’s tummy.  She just smiled.  I think I asked her to repeat it back to me.  She had it down.  I sent Pete an online message thinking it’d pique his interest.  He saw it as he was leaving work, and whatever I said actually made him worry.  Because when I told him he’d have to wait til he got home to hear what I had to say, he was NOT having it.  So I let S tell him over the phone:  “MOMMY HAS A BABY IN HER TUMMY!”

She had the phone, and I suddenly realized I needed the phone back in my possession so I could hear his reaction.  I could hear the news setting in.  Happy happy!

(Side note: I always assumed that if I got pregnant again, I wouldn’t get to tell Pete in any fun and cute way.  Mostly because he’s always asking me, “When do you start testing?”  “Did you test today?”  To actually get to tell him on MY terms, I’d basically have to outright lie.  It occurred to me later, he thought we were out for the month because that’s what I’d told him on 13 dpo when I believed we were out.  So I probably could have done something.  But I don’t care.  I kind of feel like we were so far beyond delivering news in a cute way.  We just needed good news.)

I would have liked to have told my parents in person, but here’s a three year old that’s going to be at their house the next day.  And I’d just been having her rehearse telling the news.  I wanted to at least be around when they found out.  So we called them and S told them over the phone.  Then she told Pete’s parents on Facetime later in the evening: “THERE’S A NEW BABY IN MY MOMMY’S TUMMY!”  To the point!  That was fun because I could actually see it register on their faces. 🙂

It was a very fun and exciting day.  A new pregnancy after a miscarriage isn’t all fun and excitement though.  There is anxiety as well.  More on that later.

~~~

Not really here nor there.  That’s why this is just tacked on at the end.  But just wanted to clear the air about a couple of things.

I know WHEN one would get a positive pregnancy test would vary a bit from pregnancy to pregnancy depending on how much hcg, when implantation occurred, and test-to-test variations (I mean they’re not all exactly perfect…they’re qualitative tests not quantitative).  But I know what my beta was on 15 dpo, so unless I am thinking about this too simplistically (totally possible), I can have a reasonable guess as to what my hcg might have been on 13 dpo.  If my beta on 15 dpo was 102, it seems like a test that’s supposed to pick up 20 mIU/ml should have been positive on 13 dpo.

I do see the hole in my thinking between this post and my previous one.  Before, I said that I could be reasonably certain that I never had a very early miscarriage because I was a hpt addict.  But I suppose, since they didn’t work quite right this time, it’s possible there’s been a time before when they didn’t work right then either.  I still never had a period that I really felt was wrong, and I may be more in-tune with my body than most ladies. Still I know a lot of so-called “chemical pregnancies” would seem like a regular period. So I can’t know 100% for certain, just like no one can know 100% for certain. But it’s not something I really like to think about.