I could probably write a novel on the topic, but we’ll see if I’m capable of writing the Cliffs Notes version. After having S, and getting pregnant easily the second time, I never fathomed struggling with infertility. When we decided we were ready to have a child (or rather, as ready as we were going to be…is anyone REALLY ready?), I had this nagging feeling that it might be hard for us. So (I guess true to form for me), I started charting temperatures and such right away. A few months in, I began using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits). It took 8 months to conceive S, so longer than average, but not necessarily enough to suggest something wrong. When we started trying for #2, I got pregnant on just the second cycle of trying. I hadn’t even started charting yet.
We were crushed when that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but we were feeling very fertile! With our experiences, we never thought we’d have to pursue help to conceive our second (hopefully) take-home baby.
I think most women who have experienced a miscarriage have “goals” for when they want to conceive again. In the internet community at least, a baby brought into the world following a miscarriage is called a “rainbow baby.” Like in nature, following a storm, a rainbow is a beautiful thing that gives hope. Like a reminder of God’s promises. So I, like most women I’ve discovered, really really wanted to conceive my “rainbow” at least before the “would have been due” date. That date (incidentally, the day after S’s birthday) came and went.
Then I thought, surely I could at least conceive by the anniversary of my miscarriage. Which I somewhat consider to be July 1. It started a couple of days before, but that’s when I passed the sac/embryo and then the placenta. That day came and went. I actually got my period on that day, which was kind of like a kick in the gut, like I was supposed to have to relive the experience or something. I dealt with it by taking S shopping in Branson. It was a beautiful day and it got me out of town. When I got home, I made “birthday” (I mean technically it was) cupcakes. Complete with a candle.
Anniversaries are hard. And since we started trying again right away, it also marked approximately a year of trying with no pregnancy (I am a hpt addict, so I am reasonably certain I didn’t have any pregnancies/early miscarriages in that time). It was time to see a doctor about what could be wrong. Why did it suddenly stop working? Infertility after a miscarriage feels like salt in the wound.
In August, I saw a doctor. A new ob-gyn because of Pete’s new job and insurance changes. I really liked and trusted my old doctor, and while not an RE, she is like the fertility expert in her group, so it crushed me to have to look for someone new. I somewhat considered selling non-vital organs so I could continue seeing her out-of-network, but I ultimately decided to see a new doctor who came highly recommended.
I already had a dozen or so charts to bring to my first appointment with him, so I was able to shortcut a little bit of the process. I could show positive OPKs, a definite thermal shift indicating ovulation, and a good luteal phase length (13-14 days). My cycles have always been predictable. They went ahead and tested my thyroid and prolactin levels, and those turned out normal. Any additional testing for me was to wait until Pete was tested. Because frankly that’s a lot easier than most anything else I’d have to go through, and it makes the most sense to be sure we’re “barking up the right tree,” so to speak.
Well, turns out Pete is a rock star. In fact, it made me wonder even more what could be wrong with me to resist THAT onslaught of sperm every month.
Next was my HSG. It’s a test where they inject dye up through your cervix and do an x-ray to make sure your fallopian tubes are clear. And I think to look at the shape of your uterus too. I was somewhat dreading this test because I know it can be painful. But all things considered, it wasn’t that bad. And a friend of mine got to be the radiology tech for that, so that made it better too. Turned out everything was normal. Which was a huge relief because blocked tubes would be a big problem. But it also meant I still had no answers. A small percentage of ladies manage to get pregnant more easily after an HSG, so I was hopeful that I’d be one of the lucky ones. But 3 more cycles and still nothing. Time for the next step.
I saw my doctor again to discuss fertility drugs. I was nearing the end of a totally wacky cycle where I spotted every. single. day. after ovulation. Absolutely abnormal for me. I discussed that with him, and we thought maybe check progesterone, but I was already too late in my cycle to do it (at least to appropriately compare it to norms). So we decided to keep an eye on things and hope that was just a one-off.
And so I got my Rx for Clomid. Clomid is often prescribed for ladies who don’t ovulate. Ovulating has never been my problem. But it’s also commonly prescribed for those with unexplained infertility. I think the idea is to drop more eggs and thus increase your odds each cycle. That’s how my Dr explained it also. I’ve also heard (though I’m not certain about this) that it might help to ovulate “better.” I think it’s also something that is pretty inexpensive and therefore “worth a shot.”
There is the increased “risk” of multiples. But it is still a smallish percentage. I think it’s something like 6-8% instead of 3-4%. (So you hear you’re “twice as likely,” but it’s still not like you get like 7 babies just from taking Clomid). Most of those are twins, and I think higher order multiples are about as rare as they are naturally. I don’t know if it had been just long enough since I had S that I forgot a little bit of what it’s like with even ONE infant. Or if our experiences have made me desperate enough to accept that possibility. But I reached a point where I was really okay with twins. (Skipping ahead a bit, but I really don’t think I’m pregnant with twins now.)
My main concern was how I was going to tolerate the drug. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally willing to take whatever came my way, but basically anything besides OTC pain meds and antibiotics make me certifiably crazy. I mean really really nuts. So there are a number of side effects that some ladies report with Clomid, from mood changes to headaches to hot flashes to epic cramps.
Oh well. I picked up my prescription, which to my pleasant surprise was only about $19. And I think I probably could have gotten it for less at a cheaper pharmacy, but I went with convenience. And then on Cycle Day 5 I began my pills, which I then took once a day for 5 days. I took it in the evening at first in case it did weird things to me…hoping I’d sleep through the side effects. Amazingly, I tolerated it rather well. I had some very mild cramping, but nothing else. Except for near ovulation time. I had some pretty intense cramping near ovulation time, followed by some bleeding. It might have been ovulation, but I didn’t get a positive OPK until after, so I can’t be sure. It might have been ovulation, or maybe a cyst ruptured. After that though, the rest of my first Clomid cycle went as normal.
It can be difficult to balance hope, which is always there in some capacity, and the feeling that nothing is ever going to work. I really hoped the Clomid would work for me, but I also knew that it might not. I also tried to maintain reasonable expectations that even IF Clomid worked for me, odds are it wouldn’t be the first try. Still, I felt a little like I was trying to beat the clock. I only got 3 tries at Clomid alone. If meds alone didn’t do the trick, the next step would be Clomid + IUI. IUI is okay, and I was willing to try it. But it does feel a little clinical. Pete has always tended more toward the “baby is a product of our love” kind of thing, which of course would be ideal. But in a way, to go through such an effort to conceive a child, I think, demonstrates a lot of love for that future child too. I was willing to do it though I prayed it wouldn’t come down to it.
1st round of Clomid turned out to be a bust. (WARNING, rest of this paragraph will be too graphic for most!) In fact, I think I may have passed at least half the lining of my uterus in one big chunk. I would not recommend googling this because the search results may be more than you bargained for. There’s a name for it when the whole uterine lining comes off in one piece, but I don’t think it was quite the whole thing. I was in a public bathroom when it happened, so I didn’t reach into the bowl to inspect it or anything. I just kind of pushed it around with a wad of toilet paper to try to make some sense of it. Even though I’m a hpt junkie and therefore could be reasonably certain I did not get pregnant that month, it is still hard for a woman who has had a miscarriage to see a huge chunk of tissue in the toilet. Your heart kind of stops for a minute no matter what your brain is telling you. At home, I probably would have dissected it. (Oh, Erin.) So that was a totally weird cycle and I could only hope now that the Clomid would do something good in Cycle 2 or 3.
Round 2 of Clomid. I was trying a new brand of OPKs and I didn’t like them at all. I was also doing them all the time because I did NOT want to miss my surge. Doing them a few times a day paid off though b/c I caught my surge at a weird time and I would not have caught it at my normal time. Basically all my usual (supposedly) fertile signs went out the window on Clomid. So we just did our part mostly by what day it was and less on how I was “feeling.”
After I ovulated (no cramps or bleeding this time!), I was doing my usual thing where one minute I’m really hopeful, and the next minute I think there’s no way anything could have worked. I found out about another MD and I was actually pretty excited to see her to discuss maybe checking into some things before going the IUI route. Her methods are a mix of conventional and not-so-conventional, but I was just really curious to see if maybe we could determine a reason WHY I can’t get pregnant anymore. And maybe even, in getting to the bottom of that issue, figure out some answers to a couple of other issues too. I’m happy to try the Clomid and everything, but it’s a little bit uncomfortable I guess, for me, to just try stuff to see if it works. It’d be nicer, if it’s even possible, to determine the problem and come up with a reasonable plan of attack based on the problem at hand.
The “two week wait” (the approximate time between ovulation and when the period would begin, if it were to begin–and usually a time that drags on for those actively trying to conceive for a long time) flew by, relatively speaking, because after ovulation I had to prepare like crazy for S’s 3rd birthday. It was very busy, but I was kind of thankful for the distraction. The next day after S’s birthday was the “might have been” 1st birthday for our baby in Heaven. It’s always kind of a hard day. Even if I’m not necessarily emotional (at that moment–it just hits at random), I’m reflecting a lot. I had hoped so much that I might become pregnant by THIS milestone, but I didn’t yet know that I WAS–it was just a few days too soon to know.
Next update will be about me finding out about this pregnancy. 🙂
(Oops, so much for the Cliffs Notes version, though in a way maybe this still is.)
(Also, sorry for the stream-of-consciousness nature of this post. I tried to go quickly and not a lot of proofreading!)