There was a time not so long ago when I really wondered if I’d ever get a chance to type in here again.  I’m happy to announce though that finally, finally I am expecting again.  Praise God.  It had become my habit with my previous pregnancies to blog every. little. detail.  So, I somewhat plan to take the same approach this time. 😉  So again, I warn anyone who doesn’t appreciate details about everything, including bodily functions…steer clear of this blog!  (It’s strange how I’m so quiet and reserved in real life…usually.  And yet somehow you put let me near the internet and I just let it all hang out.)  But I digress.

This time, on March 3, 2014, when I amazingly saw two lines on a pregnancy test, I wasn’t ready to write right away. I thought I was…I actually started this draft on March 4, but I only got as far as typing a title.  I got distracted because, for the first time, I was finally able to read all the blog posts from my last pregnancy that I decided to never publish after it ended in miscarriage at about 6 weeks.  I was happy in a way to finally read them.  Like I could enjoy those moments again, in a way.   I somewhat envy my past self as it is hard to enjoy being pregnant as much this time.  In some ways, I do feel a peace I haven’t felt since our loss end of June/first of July 2012.  In other ways though, it is very difficult to push back the fear in knowing full well how frail this life may be.

I had to get a grip on my anxiety before I could write.  It’s not all anxiety all the time.  Most of the time I’d consider myself cautiously optimistic.  But still, it’s hard to write in the midst of a lot of uncertainty.  But now I’m ready.  I’ll take the advice I read long before I experienced the pain of miscarriage myself and try to enjoy each pregnancy for however long I get to experience it.  Though I probably won’t stop constantly going to the bathroom to check for bleeding anytime soon.  And I’ll probably keep poking my boobs to see if they hurt today for a while.  It’s hard.

But a whole 8 days of being pregnant and NOT blogging.  I have a LOT of catching up to do.  I mean a LOT.  I don’t know if I can catch up.  But I will try.  More to come in the coming days.