Today I am 5 weeks + 6 days pregnant. I actually started typing this up yesterday, and it was on that day last time that I saw that I had spotted beige. It made me pause, but I hoped and prayed it was of no concern. On 5+6, I spent a good portion of the day relieved that everything seemed fine. Until that afternoon. That day and the following day were two of the most anguished days in my memory. So far, it seems that I am one day more pregnant than I was the last time.
I was talking to a friend recently (I imagine she’ll be reading), and she pointed out that it’s a sad part of having experienced loss. You lose some of that innocence/naivety of pregnancy before a miscarriage. I kind of envy my prior self. Before you lose a baby, you are certainly aware that it’s something that can happen. But joy is the overwhelming emotion. We feel joy now, and we are incredibly, incredibly thankful. But our joy is a tempered joy.
It’s a strange mix of emotions. In one sense, I feel more at peace than I have in over a year and a half. In other ways though, I’m constantly analyzing symptoms (or lack thereof) and running to the bathroom to check for blood. Perhaps, after getting through tomorrow, I’ll feel better. Maybe I just need to set small milestones for myself. My first one: make it to 6 weeks (another day and I’m there). Next one: see a heartbeat at my 8 week appointment on March 31. After that…I don’t even know. I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy, and really a lot of the time I am. But fear does rear its ugly head from time to time.
It was easier to feel at ease (as much as possible) when I had some symptoms. In my last post, I went over some of the symptoms that I had when my pregnancy was first detectable. After a few days, some of those faded. I remember one night a week or so ago I was taking my shower, and I realized, the water hitting my chest didn’t hurt at all. The last time I’d taken a shower, if the water hit my nipple, it was quite painful. With my last pregnancy, a few days before the bleeding began, I noticed that I actually felt really good! I thought, “how lucky!” Then I noticed my breast/nipple soreness went away. So when it happened this time, my heart sank and I left the shower in a zombie-like state. Pete came into the bathroom for something after I got out, and he could tell something was wrong. Sudden disappearance of symptoms is no longer a lucky thing. It’s terrifying. I was trembling. I told him what happened, and all I remember is him hugging me. I think I cried off and on for the remainder of the night.
I got lots of reassurance, both from “real life” people, and the women on the pregnancy and infertility forums I’ve mentioned. I know it was (and is) early days. Symptoms come and go. And yes, I should be careful what I wish for! But sometimes I think I might even be happy if I threw up just once!
I did find that my symptoms came and went for a while. Really though, lately, I feel nothing. At the least, nothing like I felt before. It’s scary. But no bleeding either, so that much is good.
Breast/nipple tenderness–basically gone. I am back to not recalling my dreams. I will eat just about anything. My appetite is basically unaffected. No uterus-growing-type cramps (really though, too much cramping and I’d freak out about that too).
The sleeping thing (waking up crazy early) is hard to determine. Daylight savings time began. Which is total crap for most of the country, I’m pretty sure. But for me, it was nice in a way???? Because it’s like it brought everyone else onto MY schedule. So I’m still waking up a few minutes before my alarm, but nothing crazy. So that’s of slight reassurance. In a stupid sort of way, I kind of miss waking up at 5:00 am because I could get up and get stuff done. Because I still don’t have a lot of energy to do stuff in the evenings (I’m blaming the pregnancy at least). Last night, I actually woke up at 4:40 am which I sort of liked even…at least since I went right back to sleep easily. Most of the time now, my sleeping pattern is the only thing that makes me feel even remotely pregnant.
A couple of other things are so mild, I wonder if I’m only seeing them because I’m looking hard. Sometimes I think I get mildly queasy for a few minutes after I eat. I’ve never felt sick though. And I seem to have a particular craving for umami. I seriously want Chinese food every day (no msg though!). But I don’t know. It’s still so slight, if I hadn’t tested positive, and if I didn’t have extremely regular periods which I’m now about 2 weeks late for, it would not even cross my mind that I could be pregnant. When I was pregnant with Shiloh, I was suuuuper tired, and I’ve not experienced that yet. Though I can’t be sure of when that set in. It might have been more around 7 weeks or so. I definitely remember it was that way by my mom’s birthday because I barely made it through her birthday dinner. I’ve been pretty tired. But maybe knowing I’m pregnant, I’m more disciplined about going to bed at a reasonable time. Maybe the time change does just have me a little messed up. And don’t I always have a sleepy phase in the middle of the afternoon? Maybe I’m just taking particular note of it now. And you always hear about pregnant women being constipated. I didn’t have that problem when I was pregnant with Shiloh, but this time it seems…quite the opposite.
I don’t know, even if I “felt pregnant,” maybe I would still struggle to feel at peace. No choice but to continue in prayer and take it one day at a time.