{"id":835,"date":"2014-05-24T22:59:02","date_gmt":"2014-05-25T04:59:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/?p=835"},"modified":"2014-05-24T23:30:45","modified_gmt":"2014-05-25T05:30:45","slug":"reflecting-on-miscarriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/2014\/05\/24\/reflecting-on-miscarriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Reflecting on Miscarriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

I alluded to having a lot on my mind in my 11 week post.\u00a0 I’m starting to write this on 4\/26, and who knows how long it’ll take me to click “publish” on this one.\u00a0 And I’m not going to rush it.\u00a0 I have so many thoughts on this topic, but I feel like I can never adequately put it into writing.\u00a0 But I thought I’d take a crack at it even though I don’t think I can do it justice.\u00a0 Even though it’s not truly related to this pregnancy, there are always a lot of thoughts swirling in my head on this topic.\u00a0 Especially being pregnant again.\u00a0 And especially as a sweet woman from work is going through it now.<\/p>\n

There is a lovely woman at one of my workplaces.\u00a0 I’ll call her C in this post to keep it simpler and keep her anonymous.\u00a0 She is actually the first person I told at that office about my pregnancy, even before the owners.\u00a0 I remembered from some time back that it took them years to conceive their daughter, and I thought I had gleaned that they would like another child at some point.\u00a0 So I didn’t know if they were trying again.\u00a0 Having learned how hard it is to hear news of a new pregnancy when you want nothing more than to be pregnant yourself, I wanted to tell her first before I told everyone.\u00a0 Just in case it helped to digest, if it was even a thing.\u00a0 Or if not, then that’s fine, she could just know first.\u00a0 I just wasn’t sure how I’d bring it up though without it being too random.\u00a0 Then one afternoon when I was talking to her, she asked me how I was doing and if “anything exciting” had been going on.\u00a0 We were alone, so I answered that I’m pregnant, so that’s some excitement.\u00a0 She was very sweet and congratulatory.<\/p>\n

I believe it was the following week when I showed up for work and she told me she was having some weird symptoms so she thought to take a pregnancy test.\u00a0 And it was positive!\u00a0 I learned that they actually hadn’t been trying this time.\u00a0 She was so happy.\u00a0 I was so happy for her.\u00a0 WE were just so happy for US.\u00a0 Since she wasn’t sure when her last period was, I sort of supposed she was farther along than I was, but we didn’t know.\u00a0 When she went for her first appointment (I don’t think she saw the Dr at this one), she was pretty sure she had a period in February, so they tentatively called her due date November 10.\u00a0 Same as mine.\u00a0 I was so excited to have someone to share this journey with.\u00a0 Especially her.\u00a0 What a blessing to have a surprise baby when they tried so hard for their first.<\/p>\n

We had a couple of weeks where we were just so excited for each other.\u00a0 Comparing symptoms.\u00a0 Laughing that we needed our own bathroom because when we’re both at work, between the two of us, we could just about keep the ladies’ room occupied (ok not quite).\u00a0 At some point she had her first appointment with her doctor, and while she hadn’t had a scan yet, he estimated that she was about 8 weeks along (I was also 8 weeks).<\/p>\n

Then if you recall the Saturday I skipped out on my last half of work because I’d started spotting lightly that morning.\u00a0 It started a tiny bit early that morning before work, then again around noon.\u00a0 I was scared, very scared.\u00a0 I thought, “Please God, this can’t be happening again.”\u00a0 I asked C to pray for me.\u00a0 In the waiting room at the ER (I think I actually wrote about this in my post about it), I remembered thinking how hard it would be to face her at work if I’m losing this baby.\u00a0 I wouldn’t be any less happy for her, not at all.\u00a0 But how would I face her?\u00a0 But how would I watch her every step of the way knowing that might have been me?\u00a0 When she starts showing, I might have started showing.\u00a0 When she gave birth, I might have been giving birth.\u00a0 When she celebrates a first birthday, I should be celebrating a first birthday too.<\/p>\n

When we learned everything was fine (or about as fine as could be), I wanted to let C know.\u00a0 But I didn’t have any way to get in contact with her at that time.\u00a0 Other than just seeing her at work.\u00a0 When I went back to that office on Tuesday afternoon, C was gone for her first ultrasound, where I’d assumed they’d also estimate due date based on the size of the baby.\u00a0 I was a little disappointed to miss her because I wanted to thank her for her prayers and let her know we were okay.\u00a0 But excited to find out what she learned at her appointment.<\/p>\n

And then I heard our office manager’s side of a phone conversation.\u00a0 And it didn’t sound good at all.\u00a0 After she got off the phone, I learned that they didn’t see a heartbeat.<\/p>\n

Gutted.\u00a0 I was gutted for her.\u00a0 Part of me hoped maybe she wasn’t as far along as they though.\u00a0 Maybe it was just too early.\u00a0 But I also knew that this did not bode well.\u00a0 I prayed for a miracle, but I grieved.<\/p>\n

It feels stupid to say some of this stuff.\u00a0 Like it wasn’t even my baby.\u00a0 Who am I to say stuff like this?\u00a0 Like anything I can think or feel can compare to anything C is thinking of feeling.\u00a0 It just sucks.\u00a0 Miscarriage is so unfair.\u00a0 Or maybe it is quite fair because it does not discriminate.\u00a0 Miscarriage doesn’t care what kind of person you are or how amazing a parent you’re going to be.\u00a0 Miscarriage doesn’t care how happy you are about this new life growing inside of you.\u00a0 Miscarriage doesn’t care how long you’ve been trying.\u00a0 It completely, totally, and utterly sucks.<\/p>\n

This was also my first taste of pregnancy guilt.\u00a0 Not that I’d send mine back for anything.\u00a0 But all the thoughts I was having in the ER waiting room when I feared I was miscarrying were flipped around now.\u00a0 I felt so bad that she’d have to be around me week after week.\u00a0 She’ll always be kind, that’s who she is.\u00a0 But it’s got to hurt to see me progress each week while thinking that might have been me.\u00a0 I hate it.\u00a0 I hate it hate hate it hate hate it.\u00a0 So much.\u00a0 And these are horrible thoughts to think, and truly I wouldn’t wish miscarriage on my worst enemy.\u00a0 But I started to think things like why C?\u00a0 Why not someone who can get pregnant easily?\u00a0 It is my earnest hope and prayer that, if they decide to TTC after this, that they can conceive quickly this time.<\/p>\n

The whole thing made me kind of reflective.\u00a0 Not that I don’t think about it often, even after finally conceiving again, but before this all happened with C.\u00a0 Sometimes I feel bad that I talk about this so much.\u00a0 I say “so much,” but it’s not like I talk about it all the time.\u00a0 I think it’s more that nobody really talks about it.\u00a0 SO MANY women have experienced it, but how often do you hear about it?\u00a0 Why is this topic taboo?\u00a0 Why are so many women suffering silently?\u00a0 I’ve talked to enough women now, it’s not just something most people “get over.”\u00a0 You move on, you cry less.\u00a0 A lot less, most of the time.\u00a0 But for many, if not most women, that baby is always in your heart.<\/p>\n

This isn’t my first post on miscarriage.\u00a0 I wrote about mine shortly after it happened.<\/a>\u00a0 But after pushing two years of trying again, things change.\u00a0 I was devastated, for sure.\u00a0 I’d undo it in a heartbeat right now, if I could.\u00a0 There are songs I still can’t listen to if they come on the radio.\u00a0 Some women feel some comfort by thinking, “if I’d had that baby, I wouldn’t have had this baby that came after.”\u00a0 But that doesn’t even apply to me because I seriously could have had that baby, waited almost a year, then conceived with this baby too.<\/p>\n

But back then, I had the advantage of optimism.\u00a0 The foolish certainty that we’d conceive again soon.\u00a0 And why not?\u00a0 Yeah, getting pregnant with S took a little longer than average.\u00a0 But the second pregnancy happened so quickly.\u00a0 So why wouldn’t it happen again?\u00a0 But I’ve touched on that in other posts, and to elaborate further would warrant its own post.<\/p>\n

Some things, I didn’t write about.\u00a0 Mostly because it was still too fresh to really have digested it all.\u00a0 Afterward, people were as supportive as they knew how.\u00a0 But it’s still kind of strange.\u00a0 Part of me was eager to get on with real life.\u00a0 But part of me just wanted to grieve.\u00a0 Not many people really expect you to grieve when you miscarry.\u00a0 Not like you want or need to.\u00a0 Because to everyone else, it’s this abstract thing that never really existed.\u00a0 But to me, it was my child I loved and desperately, desperately wanted to protect.\u00a0 And yet I could not.\u00a0 Everyone else’s life went on as before.\u00a0 Neither mine nor Pete’s ever would again.\u00a0 We were truly changed forever.\u00a0 Unless you actually experience a miscarriage, you can’t really comprehend that the loss is perhaps not totally different from losing a child that you actually got the chance to hold in your arms.<\/p>\n

One person met me for lunch to talk and offer support.\u00a0 We got cards from two people.\u00a0 I actually just came across them again the other day (this post is slow going–I’m 15 weeks + 5 days now).\u00a0 And let me tell you–I treasure those cards so much.\u00a0 Or rather, the sentiments in those cards, I really treasure in my heart.\u00a0 Maybe because it means that baby was real to someone else besides me.\u00a0 For this reason, I completely intended to get a card for C.\u00a0 And I haven’t, yet.\u00a0 And I feel like I’ve failed as a person.<\/p>\n

A lot of people offered their prayer.\u00a0 Which I did genuinely appreciate.\u00a0 Other people try to offer words of encouragement.\u00a0 Which, truthfully, there’s not a lot you can say that will actually make it better.\u00a0 One thing I got from doctors and friends was the, “It was probably a chromosomal abnormality.”\u00a0 Okay fair enough.\u00a0 Rational Erin gets that.\u00a0 But it’s kind of like this:<\/p>\n

What you’re trying to say: “It’s not your fault.\u00a0 There was nothing you could have done.”<\/p>\n

What I hear: “It’s okay that you miscarried because the baby would have been a freak anyway if it had been born.”<\/p>\n

So hey, not comforting.<\/p>\n

Maybe most people take it more kindly than I did.\u00a0 But at least I did recognize the actual intent, so it’s not like I was angry.\u00a0 But I wasn’t comforted either.<\/p>\n

In time, at least depending on who you’re around, you may also run into some of the comments discussed in this blog<\/a>.\u00a0 Which I encountered very little, thankfully.\u00a0 I love that post so much not because of anything moral or political (as the blog post is also careful to point out), but because it is an extremely accurate insight into how it feels to lose a baby.<\/p>\n

I think a lot of it is friends and family, as well-meaning as they are, just want to look on the bright side.\u00a0 At least you have another child.\u00a0 At least you have the promise of seeing your baby again someday in heaven.\u00a0 It just wasn’t God’s will.\u00a0 Your time will come.<\/p>\n

Let me tell you,<\/p>\n

Yes I have another child, but mourning the one I lost does not make me any less thankful for my daughter.\u00a0 If your second child got hit by a car, what would you think if someone was like oh well good thing you have another kid.<\/p>\n

Yes I have the promise of seeing my baby again in heaven one day, and I cling SO HARD to that promise.\u00a0 But while I’m allowed to reassure myself this way, (depending on the context of the conversation), I might not appreciate it as much coming from someone else.\u00a0 Because as happy as I am that I will see my baby one day, I would REALLY REALLY like to be able to see my baby RIGHT NOW.<\/p>\n

My time will come?\u00a0 Maybe it will and maybe it won’t.\u00a0 It turned out that mine finally did.\u00a0 But you didn’t know that.\u00a0 Only God did.\u00a0 I seriously had to consider the possibility that maybe it never would again.\u00a0 And this baby does not really replace that one anyway, so what does that even mean?<\/p>\n

And God’s will?\u00a0 Well yeah maybe you have a point, but I guess I’m not so good yet that my will is completely aligned with His.\u00a0 I just know I miss my baby.<\/p>\n

I learned sort of indirectly from a friend not too long ago, don’t ever start a sentence with “At least….”\u00a0 Because right now, in this moment, there is no bright side.<\/p>\n

But I digress.\u00a0 In my original blog post, I did write about how, as crushing as it was, it was a very real first-hand encounter with God’s sovereignty.\u00a0 Now, don’t get me wrong.\u00a0 I don’t consider prayer to be some way to manipulate God.\u00a0 At least not consciously.\u00a0 I can pray whatever I like, but sometimes God’s answer is going to be “no.”\u00a0 I prayed SO HARD for that baby to be born healthy and safe.\u00a0 This time, God said no, and I can come to terms with that.\u00a0 But here’s the slap in the face: I prayed (and continue to pray) so hard every day for S to grow up healthy and reach an old age.\u00a0 I think that gave me some sense of security.\u00a0 I don’t have that now, and it terrifies me.\u00a0 Because I know God can and does say “no,” no matter how good or noble or reasonable the prayer may be.\u00a0 I think\u00a0 maybe a lot of Christians pray stuff partly for all the right reasons, but also to feel some sense of security, whether it’s right or not.<\/p>\n

Anyway.<\/p>\n

Because of the secondary infertility, I had lots of time to reflect.\u00a0 I actually started to think, maybe it was always going to be hard to have another baby, but if I had to experience miscarriage, maybe the fact that that pregnancy happened so easily was a show of God’s grace.\u00a0 But still, lots of months to remember I’m STILL not pregnant.\u00a0 Lots of months to remember I should have an ___-month-old by now.\u00a0 Lots of months to get angry, cry, plead with God, try to comfort myself, etc.\u00a0 In that time, I prayed a lot of different things.<\/p>\n

So now I’m going to share with you something I didn’t tell anyone for a long time.\u00a0 And that person was my husband.\u00a0 Partly because it was an experience I wanted to treasure myself for a while.\u00a0 And largely because it sounds totally insane.\u00a0 So because it sounds so nuts, I’m very nervous about typing it out, but I just feel like I have to.\u00a0 Even though I don’t know if I can really explain it in a way that 1) doesn’t make me seem like I’ve totally lost my marbles, and 2) really does the whole thing justice.\u00a0 But I shall try.<\/p>\n

One night well into our infertility journey, I really wanted to be pregnant, but much more than that, I was really, really missing my baby I never got to see or hold.\u00a0 I kept thinking I wished I’d just gotten to see it on an ultrasound if nothing else.\u00a0 Something tangible.\u00a0 Something I could see.\u00a0 Something to remember besides just “being pregnant.”\u00a0 (It was for this reason I was REALLY glad C got to take home an ultrasound photo.\u00a0 I really believe she’ll treasure that.\u00a0 I envy it at least.)\u00a0 That night, I prayed that God would let me see my baby in a dream or something.\u00a0 I knew it was nuts.\u00a0 I just really, really wanted to see my baby.\u00a0 Just once.<\/p>\n

Then I felt ridiculous and went to sleep.\u00a0 The next morning, my prayer was forgotten.\u00a0 At least by me.<\/p>\n

Some time later (weeks? months?) I was rocking S before bed.\u00a0 I would always sing her a song, but she got to where she would know all the words, so instead of getting sleepy, she’d just sing along.\u00a0 Somewhere along the way, I’d realized that the old(ish) worship song, “There’s Just Something About that Name” was actually a pretty effective bedtime song.\u00a0 I figured it wouldn’t work long because the lyrics are pretty simple.\u00a0 But for now, it was kind of soothing and repetitive (Jesus, Jesus . . .) and she didn’t know the words.\u00a0 So I sang it.\u00a0 On this one particular night, as I sang, my eyes were closed and I was truly worshiping the Lord.\u00a0 I thought to myself, “Yeah, it’s not magic, but there is something powerful in just singing the name of Jesus.”<\/p>\n

At that moment, I “looked” up (my eyes were still closed), and I won’t say this was like a vision or anything like that.\u00a0 But it was as if I “saw” my baby in Jesus’s arms.\u00a0 It was so vivid.\u00a0 I think I actually gasped.\u00a0 I couldn’t see his or her face (in my heart it was a girl, but I still don’t feel like I “know”), but one thing I really took note of was that the baby had a lot less hair than S had as a baby.\u00a0 I’m not one to really have super spiritual experiences, so this TOTALLY came out of nowhere.\u00a0 But it was really real to me.\u00a0 Tears were streaming down my face, and I slowly reached out, knowing full well I’d only feel air, but I couldn’t help myself.\u00a0 Finally when my hand met nothing, I opened my eyes and it was over.\u00a0 As crazy as it sounds, I truly believe that experience was a gift from the Lord.<\/p>\n

It was some time later when I remembered my prayer.\u00a0 I believe God went above and beyond in answering this prayer. It wasn’t even a dream; I was fully awake.\u00a0 And yet it was more vivid than any dream I’ve ever dreamed before.\u00a0 More real than anything that ever entered my imagination.\u00a0 It’s not something I was even thinking about.\u00a0 I wasn’t thinking about TTC or miscarriage or my baby in heaven or babies in general (other than rocking a sleepy two year-old).\u00a0 I was just singing to God.\u00a0 The whole thing caught me well and truly off-guard.\u00a0 I still desired another baby.\u00a0 So so much.\u00a0 But after that, I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in quite some time.<\/p>\n

This baby I carry now does not replace the one I lost.\u00a0 But I love this one just as much.\u00a0 We pray for this baby just as much.\u00a0 And we eagerly await his or her arrival.\u00a0 It does bring some sense of peace in feeling that our family will one day feel complete.<\/p>\n

God really does answer prayer.\u00a0 Not always the ones I’d prefer.\u00a0 And in this case, I will never understand it, not even a little bit, on this side of heaven.\u00a0 But as much as I HATE miscarriage, I know He’s always taken care of me.\u00a0 And He will take care of C.\u00a0 And He will take care of you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I alluded to having a lot on my mind in my 11 week post.\u00a0 I’m starting to write this on 4\/26, and who knows how long it’ll take me to click “publish” on this one.\u00a0 And I’m not going to rush it.\u00a0 I have so many thoughts on this topic, but I feel like I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/835"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=835"}],"version-history":[{"count":33,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/835\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":900,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/835\/revisions\/900"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=835"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=835"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=835"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}