Today I am 5 weeks + 6 days pregnant.\u00a0 I actually started typing this up yesterday, and it was on that day last time that I saw that I had spotted beige.\u00a0 It made me pause, but I hoped and prayed it was of no concern.\u00a0 On 5+6, I spent a good portion of the day relieved that everything seemed fine.\u00a0 Until that afternoon.\u00a0 That day and the following day were two of the most anguished days in my memory.\u00a0 So far, it seems that I am one day more pregnant than I was the last time.<\/p>\n
I was talking to a friend recently (I imagine she’ll be reading), and she pointed out that it’s a sad part of having experienced loss.\u00a0 You lose some of that innocence\/naivety of pregnancy before a miscarriage.\u00a0 I kind of envy my prior self.\u00a0 Before you lose a baby, you are certainly aware that it’s something that can happen.\u00a0 But joy is the overwhelming emotion.\u00a0 We feel joy now, and we are incredibly, incredibly thankful.\u00a0 But our joy is a tempered joy.<\/p>\n
It’s a strange mix of emotions.\u00a0 In one sense, I feel more at peace than I have in over a year and a half.\u00a0 In other ways though, I’m constantly analyzing symptoms (or lack thereof) and running to the bathroom to check for blood.\u00a0 Perhaps, after getting through tomorrow, I’ll feel better.\u00a0 Maybe I just need to set small milestones for myself.\u00a0 My first one: make it to 6 weeks (another day and I’m there).\u00a0 Next one: see a heartbeat at my 8 week appointment on March 31.\u00a0 After that…I don’t even know.\u00a0 I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy, and really a lot of the time I am.\u00a0 But fear does rear its ugly head from time to time.<\/p>\n
It was easier to feel at ease (as much as possible) when I had some symptoms.\u00a0 In my last post, I went over some of the symptoms that I had when my pregnancy was first detectable.\u00a0 After a few days, some of those faded.\u00a0 I remember one night a week or so ago I was taking my shower, and I realized, the water hitting my chest didn’t hurt at all.\u00a0 The last time I’d taken a shower, if the water hit my nipple, it was quite painful.\u00a0 With my last pregnancy, a few days before the bleeding began, I noticed that I actually felt really good!\u00a0 I thought, “how lucky!”\u00a0 Then I noticed my breast\/nipple soreness went away.\u00a0 So when it happened this time, my heart sank and I left the shower in a zombie-like state.\u00a0 Pete came into the bathroom for something after I got out, and he could tell something was wrong.\u00a0 Sudden disappearance of symptoms is no longer a lucky thing.\u00a0 It’s terrifying.\u00a0 I was trembling.\u00a0 I told him what happened, and all I remember is him hugging me.\u00a0 I think I cried off and on for the remainder of the night.<\/p>\n
I got lots of reassurance, both from “real life” people, and the women on the pregnancy and infertility forums I’ve mentioned.\u00a0 I know it was (and is) early days.\u00a0 Symptoms come and go.\u00a0 And yes, I should be careful what I wish for!\u00a0 But sometimes I think I might even be happy if I threw up just once!<\/p>\n
I did find that my symptoms came and went for a while.\u00a0 Really though, lately, I feel nothing.\u00a0 At the least, nothing like I felt before.\u00a0 It’s scary.\u00a0 But no bleeding either, so that much is good.<\/p>\n
Breast\/nipple tenderness–basically gone.\u00a0 I am back to not recalling my dreams.\u00a0 I will eat just about anything.\u00a0 My appetite is basically unaffected.\u00a0 No uterus-growing-type cramps (really though, too much cramping and I’d freak out about that too).<\/p>\n
The sleeping thing (waking up crazy early) is hard to determine.\u00a0 Daylight savings time began.\u00a0 Which is total crap for most of the country, I’m pretty sure.\u00a0 But for me, it was nice in a way????\u00a0 Because it’s like it brought everyone else onto MY schedule.\u00a0 So I’m still waking up a few minutes before my alarm, but nothing crazy.\u00a0 So that’s of slight reassurance.\u00a0 In a stupid sort of way, I kind of miss waking up at 5:00 am because I could get up and get stuff done.\u00a0 Because I still don’t have a lot of energy to do stuff in the evenings (I’m blaming the pregnancy at least).\u00a0 Last night, I actually woke up at 4:40 am which I sort of liked even…at least since I went right back to sleep easily.\u00a0 Most of the time now, my sleeping pattern is the only thing that makes me feel even remotely pregnant.<\/p>\n
A couple of other things are so mild, I wonder if I’m only seeing them because I’m looking hard.\u00a0 Sometimes I think I get mildly queasy for a few minutes after I eat.\u00a0 I’ve never felt sick though.\u00a0 And I seem to have a particular craving for umami.\u00a0 I seriously want Chinese food every day (no msg though!).\u00a0 But I don’t know.\u00a0 It’s still so slight, if I hadn’t tested positive, and if I didn’t have extremely regular periods which I’m now about 2 weeks late for, it would not even cross my mind that I could be pregnant.\u00a0 When I was pregnant with Shiloh, I was suuuuper tired, and I’ve not experienced that yet.\u00a0 Though I can’t be sure of when that set in.\u00a0 It might have been more around 7 weeks or so.\u00a0 I definitely remember it was that way by my mom’s birthday because I barely made it through her birthday dinner.\u00a0 I’ve been pretty<\/em> tired.\u00a0 But maybe knowing I’m pregnant, I’m more disciplined about going to bed at a reasonable time.\u00a0 Maybe the time change does just have me a little messed up.\u00a0 And don’t I always have a sleepy phase in the middle of the afternoon?\u00a0 Maybe I’m just taking particular note of it now.\u00a0 And you always hear about pregnant women being constipated.\u00a0 I didn’t have that problem when I was pregnant with Shiloh, but this time it seems…quite the opposite.<\/p>\n I don’t know, even if I “felt pregnant,” maybe I would still struggle to feel at peace.\u00a0 No choice but to continue in prayer and take it one day at a time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Today I am 5 weeks + 6 days pregnant.\u00a0 I actually started typing this up yesterday, and it was on that day last time that I saw that I had spotted beige.\u00a0 It made me pause, but I hoped and prayed it was of no concern.\u00a0 On 5+6, I spent a good portion of the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/725"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=725"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/725\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":732,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/725\/revisions\/732"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/babyg.brainstormwarning.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}